The Mother I am Becoming

On September 29, 2014 at precisely 5:06 p.m., my body felt its greatest relief as I pushed my daughter into this world. A wave of emotions crashed over me - here she is, finally! If you're a mother too, you know your life is changed forever.






Looking back, I can still see my mom's face as the doctor delivered the confirmation I was pregnant. That feeling was also unforgettable. I mean, there I was, a 21 year old college junior, with a year of non-stop work ahead of me. How am I going to make this work!? It was also the weekend we were celebrating my mom's promotion in the Air Force. Sorry to steal your shine, momma! You rock.

Fast forward to almost a year later, I can't believe how much I have changed. We've all seen the cheesy quotes and typography posts featuring heart-warming descriptions of motherhood. We've also seen the cynical, exhausted (perhaps ill-prepared or unsupported) mothers depicting a daunting tale of what's to come. But each experience is so unique, those words never quite enough.

My love for my daughter is so genuine, the only words I can find to match these emotions are love songs. Earlier I was singing "Is This Love?" and her smiles brought tears to my eyes. I can't even sing! And I cannot explain the involuntary "awww's" that follow a few photos on my timeline of a newborn in his mother's arms. I thought I was an emotional person before. But now, my hormones are never settled. Everything about being a mother sparks a change in you.

I feel like sex-ed, and society in general, makes having and caring for a baby seem like something that is impossible. Something you could only accomplish if you're willing to go crazy. As if you'll only survive if you lose your identity in attempts to become a baby-whisperer. You'll lose all your friends. Your conversations will only consist of baby-voices. But it's not true. Every mother and every child is different. Some women truly do have a difficult time. But women have been doing this for centuries, we're designed for this (well, not all, there's nothing wrong with not having any children at all).

I'm certainly not as exhausted as forewarned; a combination of a good partner and great baby, no doubt. I am definitely absorbed in the normal baby things - growth curve, diaper counts, sleep schedule and everything that goes along with breastfeeding (that's for another post). My heart doesn't break when I leave for work. My baby doesn't wail for hours on end for unknown reasons. And when I can't settle her, I safely put her down and walk away. I'm still learning. But I know you can still be yourself. You can still grow as a person. Being a mother is not a one-dimensional lifestyle.

Today I can't imagine my life without my sweet little Ellie Rose. Beyond the fact that it has shaped my life; she brings a new joy and a new found sense of purpose to my life. I have just begun my journey, and I can't believe how quickly it goes by. I remember when she was first placed on my chest - warm, soft, wet, perfect. I can't imagine living without having experienced that day and every day since then.

This is the first part of my journey and I can't wait to share all my adventures along the way!

xo, The Stylish Momma